gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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