Pappa wants mamma naked
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
