Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
