Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
