did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
