I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
