I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
