he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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