My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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