theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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