what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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