I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
