Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
