Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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