i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
