There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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