I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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