Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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