You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I need a beard to bite.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
