Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
