I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The best revenge is premature balding
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
