I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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