Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
