I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
