Only a mothe r could love this liver
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
