Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
