By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
