How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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