I hate all girls vehemently.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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