dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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