tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize