I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We left an ass print on the piano.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
