my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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