My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
