Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
