Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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