I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dicks are not precious.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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