so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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