I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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