After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
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What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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