And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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