Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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