People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
