i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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