my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
How does it feel to date your dad?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
