so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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