my shit smells like andre
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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