glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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