My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
