I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
