Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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