People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
