2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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